I often hear from women who tell me that the main thing that is keeping them from trying to save their marriage or from trusting their husband again after his cheating is the fear that he will have another one. I often hear comments like: “I want to trust my husband again and I’d like to save my marriage, but I’m paralyzed by the fear that he will cheat again or have another affair. This is so painful that I’m not sure that I could ever go through this again. Sometimes, I feel like I just want to cut my losses right now so that I don’t risk being hurt again. But, there’s another part of me that wants to make my marriage work.”
These feelings are so common. It’s natural to feel that if he would deceive you once and have one affair, then it’s possible he could do it all again and drag you through this type of pain once more. Unfortunately, some women allow this fear to sort of paralyze them in moving on or in getting on with their lives again. I will discuss some tips that might help you with this in the following article.
Cheat Proofing Your Marriage Is The Best Way To Quiet Those “What If He Cheats Again” Worries: It’s only natural to have these types of worries. I had them and I know countless women who shared these fears. But, the real tragedy would be not working through them so that they cripple you from moving forward.
One very good way to quiet these fears and worries is to do the work necessary to cheat proof your marriage. It’s true that often men do not plan to cheat or have affairs. But, spouses (both men and women) are less likely to cheat or have affairs if they feel desired, understood and appreciated within their marriage. So, it can help your piece of mind if you are able to work through any issues and make your marriage stronger.
It also helps to encourage open communication. That way, your spouse will not hesitate to come to you if there are vulnerabilities that need to be addressed before anything actually happens. Along these same lines, it wouldn’t hurt for you to be honest with your husband about your own need for reassurance and accountability. If (at least for a while) you need for him to check in and allow you to check up so that you aren’t always worrying about another affair, then this seems a small price to pay for your piece of mind.
Restoring Your Self Esteem And Confidence Can Also Help Somewhat With The Trust Issues After His Cheating: I sometimes have men contact me who tell me that they’ve done everything that has been asked after the cheating. They swear that they are more remorseful than words could express and would never cheat again. However, they say that no matter what they do, how they act, or the number or reassurances that they give, their wife just refuses to trust them again or believe that another affair isn’t right on the horizon.
Sometimes, the wife’s doubts and fears have as much to do with doubts about herself than about the marriage or the husband. No one wants to talk about this or admit to it, but it can be true. Using myself as an example, it wasn’t until I did some work on myself that I began to trust in my marriage again. Some of my doubts had more to do with fear inside of me than anything to do with him.
Once I worked on these issues, things became easier. I don’t say this to make you feel worse about yourself or to insinuate that anything is wrong with you or your fault. None of this is true. I just say this to bring your attention to a potential and common issue.
Living In World Of “What Ifs” Can Limit Your Happiness Today: I know that the “what ifs” can seem unavoidable. but, they truly will keep you stuck if you let them. Sometimes, you mind gets stuck in an endless loop of negative and self sabotaging thoughts and you have to very actively put a stop to this. Because if you don’t, then you’re essentially continuing to feel pain from something that you didn’t chose and that happened in the past.
Living with a husband’s affair is painful enough. So there’s no point in wanting to prolong the hold that it has over you. I know these worries come up without your having any control over them. But once they do come up, that’s when you have control over how you handle them. You can chose to take a look to see if you have any outstanding issues and act if you do. Or, you can continue on living in doubt and fear.
And the doubt and fear is not a fun place to dwell. I’m not saying that you should be in denial or live with blinders on. But in my experience, moving on feels a lot better than continuing to dwell.
Although I never would’ve believe this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband’s affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again.You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
Katie Lersch writes articles about moving past an affair. Her corresponding blog is at http://surviving-the-affair.com/